beemayhem: (fuck right off)
[personal profile] beemayhem
Apparently, when you disconnect from a dysfunctional/codependent relationship, you go through a grieving process. According to my therapist, this is due to the loss of your "idealization of the person your mother COULD have been" or some such. Basically, it's realizing my mom's a dick, I'm not participating, and being sad when I realize that she is, in fact, a total dick.

It sucks. I don't know how people with full blown or chemical depression deal with this BS all the time. Huge, oppressive waves of sadness and overwhelm smack me out of absolutely nowhere, and it's miserable. The most miserable thing I've experienced, actually.
Today, I almost collapsed in the toilet paper aisle of Target in panicky tears, the choking, ugly face sobs you get when someone in your life has passed on. The last time I felt *remotely* like this was after the death of my grandfather, but he wasn't a dick, and was 84 and died of natural causes. My motheris still living(unfortunately, I think to myself sometimes, which is terrible but there you have it), a county width away, and has my phone number... until tomorrow when I change it, that is. I'm currently terrified she'll show up unannounced as is her wont, or come and snatch my son from the bus stop.
Oh yes, did I mention? Her latest evil voicemail was "I don't know what the fuck your problem is, but we want to see our grandchildren, NOW". I mean, thank gods my state doesn't have grandparent rights type laws, not that she'd have a leg to stand on under those anyhow.
I made the mistake of calling her back and told her she couldn't leave me shitty voicemails, I am not interested in letting my kids visit, and she needs to leave me alone. The whole time she was "oh yeah, you're doing this. You're still on this, you're doing this, jesus christ" like this is a Thing that I Do, some weird, mysterious, shitty, crazy Thing that I Do A Lot. The only Thing I was doing was delineating boundaries and informing her how I need to be treated if she'd like to interact with me... standing up for myself, basically. Which, honestly, with her this is not a Thing I Do.
I'm cycling back into the shame/feeling insane stuff, and all of my meditation and neural re-directing exercises... NOOOOOTTTT CUTTING IT. The message board I'm currently on is way too triggering right now, and I feel like every dang word out of my mouth right now is about this. I hate that I'm in this shit right now, but I'll be damned if I do it for the next handful of decades that she's around.
Is it really so much to ask to be treated with respect and kindness? All of this because I grew a spine and demanded just that, amazing.
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BeeMayhem

July 2012

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